Illustration by Ian Carr

Words by Michelle Stiles

First published in Stranger 14 - April 2007

A new, smoke-free era is about to dawn in Britain’s pubs, clubs and restaurants. From 6am on 1 July this year, smokers will no longer be allowed to spark up in any enclosed public space (apart from gentlemen’s clubs). For some, this is a long overdue victory for non-smokers, whose right to breath smoke-free air has been trampled on by inconsiderate smokers for far too long. For others, it’s yet another example of the nanny state encroaching on people’s civil liberties (in this case, one’s right to inflict carcinogen-ridden fumes on innocent bystanders).

To those in the former group – congratulations, but remember, it doesn’t do to be too smug or sanctimonious. Because sooner or later, the Government might ban something you love, too. To those in the latter group – take the shame. Personal freedom, you say? Pull the other one, you’re an addict. But if you’re feeling hard done by, have a look at some of these weird and wonderful bans issued by rule-makers past and present in the name of making society cleaner, greener and healthier, and think yourself lucky.
Flirting
In New York, an old law still exists prohibiting flirting – for which a fine of $25 can be levied. The law bans men from turning around on any city street and looking at a woman ‘in that way’. Any man caught offending a second time may be forced to wear horse-blinders whenever out in public.

Peeing in public
In the UK, answering the call of nature in public is an offence. However, there exists a little-known get-out clause for drivers who are caught short. Apparently it is legal to urinate in public as long as you do it on the left rear wheel of your parked vehicle, with your right or left hand touching the vehicle at all times. Shall we have a go at that, then, ladies?

Batman
According to various dodgy internet sources, it’s illegal to dress up as Batman in Australia. However, since Batman outfits are readily available for purchase in Australian retail outlets, its likely this idea has evolved from an obscure Australian law which prohibits people from roaming the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on the face, as these things are ‘the tools of a cat burglar’.
 
Chewing gum
In Singapore, the import and sale of chewing gum (with the exception of ‘therapeutic gum’) is famously prohibited. In Thailand, you can be fined for discarding chewed gum on the street, and non-payment can land you in jail. Actually, in the UK you can also now be fined for littering gum.

Bruce Springsteen
In 2005, coffee chain Starbucks banned the sale of The Boss’s latest album in their outlets, because it contained steamy lyrics about sex with a prostitute.

Computer games
In an attempt to eradicate illegal online gambling in 2002, the Greek government issued an ambiguous law which effectively banned computer games altogether. This incurred the wrath of outraged gamers, some of whom were forced to emerge into direct sunlight to defend themselves in court. The government subsequently published a document clarifying the ban.

Barbie
In 2002, Barbie became an enemy of the Russian state when President Putin decided her ridiculously pneumatic proportions might corrupt the minds of young children. The Russian Department of Education stated that there was a risk she might encourage sexual impulses and lead to consumerism among Russian infants.

Feeding grass to cows
The Department of Agriculture in Liechtenstein banned farmers from feeding hemp to their cows in 2005, due to fears that THC (the hallucinogen in cannabis) might contaminate milk and other dairy products.  A spokesperson for the cows said, “No way, we’re like, totally bummed out, why did you even do that…” etc, etc. 

Bald taxi drivers
Officials in Nanjing, China banned bald taxi drivers in 2005, as part of a 10 point plan to smarten up the city. Drivers were also banned from wearing their hair too long, sporting moustaches, and using too much makeup.

SO WHAT MIGHT BE NEXT ON THE GOVERNMENT’S HIT LIST? WELL, WE HAVE A FEW SUGGESTIONS…

Flying (in planes)
We all know how bad planes are for the environment, but for many of us the lure of flying somewhere nice is still too powerful to resist. The only way to stop us is to ban it altogether. Funds could be diverted into researching other mechanisms for flying, such as the use of catapults and bungees, training  giant eagles, and teleportation.

Advertising
The UK government has recently issued restrictions on junk food advertising aimed at kids, on the grounds that younger minds are more susceptible to brainwashing by unscrupulous corporations. By that token, why not ban advertising for grownups, too? This would mean less pressure to buy useless tat we don’t need, no more Carol Vorderman softly persuading us to amass huge debts to buy yet more useless tat, and no more Safestyle UK windows ads. That’s got to be better for the nation’s health.

Celebrities
Any government really committed to saving the planet should consider putting a blanket ban on celebrities, who are a total waste of energy, and in whose name enough hot air is emitted each year to power approximately 13 small villages.

Daytime TV
Daytime TV is like Pot Noodles for the brain – you know it’s dirty, but there’s something strangely comforting about it. Many a freelancer has lost an entire afternoon to the hypnotic power of daytime gems like Neighbours and Diagnosis Murder. If the government banned daytime TV, the productivity of the UK workforce would  increase exponentially. This would also put pay to Jeremy Kyle torturing hapless victims in the name of entertainment (they banned hunting, after all).